They all speak funny Mum (Part III)

I don't live in a medium sized English enclave abroad in which the inhabitants have no need whatsoever to speak Spanish and have no intention of ever learning anything more useful than "doss surveysas" and "La kwenta." Home for me is slap bang in the centre of a small sized city, where, no more than about twenty native English speakers also reside. This offers up allsorts of possibilities to confuse the locals with a language vaguely resembling Castellano. In my town, Elche, it's always a one shot deal, if you don't get it spot on first time the local with whom you just tried to communicate will look at you in the same way he or she might if you were unaware of a large bogey hanging from your nose.

Sometimes, but not very often, that somewhat blank or vacant expression could be forgiven simply because you've mis-pronounced a fairly innocuous phrase. Take for example a polite request for a chicken sandwich, no danger wth that one heh? but you'd be wrong, the Spanish word for chicken is "pollo" pronounced
'poy-o' Get the end of the word slightly different, say ending it with an 'a' as in "polla" and the likelihood is the waiter or waitress would probably take a step back from your table. Poy-a is the Spanish word for dick!!
Similarly, and this happened to me - just the once - it's easy to mix up "heuvos" and "huevas" again it's just a single vowel but quite an important one. Where I thought I'd asked for eggs, (way-bo's), I'd inadvertently requested scambled "way-ba's". Explaining away the young serving wench's quizzical look, the bloke I was with pointed out I may not have meant to ask for balls on toast!! Actually, the 'a' and the 'o' in every day Spanish writing and conversation are pretty crucial because they signify female and male, get them wrong and you open up a world of fun.

Spanish phrases are even more entertaining because the words are rarely in the same order as they are in English, so, straightaway you can forget about using Google Translate to reply to emails, spark up a short conversation or send a text. Until I took lessons I had not a clue how useless most of the popular internet translators actually are, these days they are simply a convenient spell checker, probably all they're any good for. For absolutely ages my girlfriend always referred to the "keys car" because it's the opposite way round in her lingo, "llaves del coche" It used to make me smile everytime I heard it so I didn't correct her for a couple of years, then it occurred to me I was mutilating far more Spanish phrases and she always used to point it out to save me embarrassing myself, especially outside the house.

If you're going to learn Spanish, a great way to start is to listen to a native recite the alphabet, but don't worry the first time, he or she isn't trying to clear their throat to spit at you. Bit by bit one or two of the sounds begin to sink in, and, provided you've chosen not to live in "Little Britain" where all you'll ever hear is English every day, you can soon make some progress. I chose a couple of favourite letters each week and then two new ones once I'd got the hang of the previous pair. For example, 'J' in English is pretty simple, "jay" but in my new world, it's "jota" yup hotter!! Problem is, elsewhere in Castellano an "H" is always silent, as in 'otel California, you follow me? Okay, now let's try a 'Z' which I used to call zed. In the land where Juan Carlos is King, an old fashioned English zed is actually "theta" pronounced like 'thin' in English. Now, say out loud the Spanish city ZARAGOZA. Did it come out like "Tharragother" It should have done. Other simple speech rules include 'b' and 'v' which are pronounced the same as each other - at the beginning of a word use it like "boy" in English - everywhere else it's like "very" but you're not supposed to let your lips touch. With this combo you might look a little bit like a window licker at the start but persevere. Finally, double 'l' is always a "ya" sound - my example below is botella (bo-tay-ya/Bottle).

Cool, now you're an expert I'll try a couple of phrases, some of which in Spanish I think are absolutely fantastic. Ready ?

Spanish - "Blanco y en botella"   English -  'White and in the Bottle'
Which loosely translated means some thing like - It's obvious stupid

Spanish - "Dar a Luz"  English - "Give the light" (to a new baby)
Loosely translated means give birth - doesn't it all make perfect sense and isn't Spanish brilliant ??

That's your lot.