Thanks for reading.

All good things come to an end  


Finally, getting on for two years after I started and following a couple of weeks of it being offline and unavailable, I've decided it's time to pull the plug on this blog and bash on with something different instead. Somehow, and perhaps surprisingly, I haven't pissed anybody (Spanish) off so much they've felt the need to threaten me with violence if it isn't shut down, the decision was mine alone. Spanish friends, if I have and you didn't say, I'm really sorry, no offence was ever intended, I just wrote abut what I saw, loved or hated.

For old times sake, I've just had another quick read through one or two of the posts and more than once chuckled out loud because the whole thing has just been such a laugh putting together. If I'm honest, I might have been a tad drunk at times too because I really can't believe my sobre imagination is that warped. Whatever! Please excuse the choice of words in the link at the top of this post as well, it's not me being a bit conceited about my own stuff, it's the only appropriate song I can think of.

Thanks for being one of my six thousand odd readers, I hope you've enjoyed the blog. See ya  x

THE END

Happy New Year.......sort of!!

You'll miss it once it's gone

After all that excitement and the lengthy build up, Christmas has been and gone for another year and truth be told, it wasn’t that different or any better than the previous ten was it? You quite enjoyed the book your sister bought you and it was really nice looking forward to watching that new DVD.  Now, the book is back on the shelf with all the others and the film was okay but not much to write home about. You see, it’s all about unrealistic expectations which then make the inevitable disappointment that much harder to manage. Once you’ve taken the Christmas tree down doesn’t the front room look enormous and bare?  Now think about those two words for a quick second - enormous and bare - don’t they sum up just perfectly the huge undertaking that is every New Year.

Maybe I’m in a minority of one, but for me the thought of the coming twelve months with not a clue what to expect scares me witless, it’s so much more comforting to imagine the year just passed, for better or worse, than the unknown which is just around the corner. I kind of liken the whole thing to saying grace; “For what we are about to receive, may the Lord make us truly thankful.” Surely, any right minded person would rather say, “For what we have just received etc...............” To try and give that last remark some context, imagine if you will, the missus expecting you to be grateful beforehand when she’s about to serve you, say, a plate of dog food. I don’t know, perhaps it’s just me.

Revenge will be sweet

The problem with January is that all too often it starts with the hangover from hell on the first morning of the month and thereafter the mental hard work keeps on coming, or so it seems. The transition from December, via a drunken and, if you’re lucky, debauched New Years Eve, invariably involves a lengthy lie-in and a couple of paracetamol. For some, this might even be the high point of New Years Day because, as things slowly come into steadily sharper focus, usually by about mid-afternoon, the stark realisation that all the best stuff is months off hits home. More immediate is the nag you can’t shake off that pay day is about as far away as the moon and that between now and then, the credit card you’ve recently kicked the arse out of is going to need paying.

Just another night

For some, December sliding gracefully into the history books is the perfect cut off point to sling out some old and set about a few new habits with renewed zeal; these kinds of “cleansing” thought processes almost always manifest themselves in the need to make New Year’s Resolutions. At this point all the usual suspects line up for their identity parade – smoking, the gymnasium, a diet, drinking less and eating healthier. To be perfectly honest, and apologies in advanced for sounding cynical, but January the first really is no better a day to begin all over again than the first of June, after all May has thirty one days too. Generally speaking, within a few days tobacco will have defeated even the strongest of resolves and the pub will be the only place left to assuage that crushing guilt.

Aaahhh!!

Yup, it’s a funny old time of year. Television for example, gets back to boring normality with only the subliminal messages of the craftily scheduled holiday adverts to interest you and the only things left in the Quality Street tin are those horrible round toffees in the shiny yellow wrapper. The first big hurdle to try and negotiate is the transition from those gloomy winter evenings when it gets dark at five o’clock to the warmer and lighter spring time. That though is still a few weeks away yet, but before you get trampled underfoot in the stampede to the doctors for an anti-depressant prescription, take a look at your calendar. Surely, January’s beautiful photograph of a robin in a snowy garden will lift your spirits. 

Having come back down to earth with a resounding bump after Christmas, reality bites and for some, as I’ve previously mentioned, it comes quite hard. There’s always somebody worse off though; how would you like to be a shop assistant  trying to combine the chaos of the January sales with those thousands of customers trying exchange their crimbo pullover - usually without a receipt - because it’s in the wrong colour or size? Speaking of the shops, in the land where people cook in the garden, have you noticed that Easter eggs don’t appear in Spanish stores by early February like they do in the UK? This, for me, is one of various different reasons why living where we do the sometimes onerous task of coping with the New Year seems so much easier. I’ll come back to that presently.

Who ate all the pies ?

Anyway, back to those New Year Resolutions for which to me the timing seems to me to be all wrong. If you’re already at a bit of a low ebb, it’s illogical, in my humble opinion, to deliberately make things worse by depriving yourself of the greatest comforts. The solution therefore is simple, do the opposite. Instead of spending less time on the internet, use facebook or twitter even more. Forget the diet and get a few pies down you. Use the time you would have spent at the gym that you probably can’t really afford anyway to stay in bed longer. Obviously, it then makes perfect sense to use some of the cash you’ve not wasted getting hot and sticky at the health club on hefting pints at the pub. It’s a form of exercise, isn’t it? Give these suggestions a whirl and I guarantee you’ll soon feel loads better.

I couldn’t really end these words without a brief mention of the weather, which, because it hasn’t snowed on the coastal Costa Blanca since about 1714, makes Spain a viable option for those opening months of the year. Those picturesque villages high up in the mountains you can see in the distance look absolutely exquisite after the occasional winter snow flurries and it doesn’t half feel cooler inland than the seaside. Compare and contrast though places like say, Alcoy or Alguena to the English north east or Scotland, where, a typical light dusting invariably means the local white van men can't find their vehicles for a fortnight. If I'm going to need to worry a bit about paying off my flexible friend after Christmas, I'd much rather do it in Elche than Edinburgh.  

Happy New Year

If you need me any time after Big Ben has been televised live striking twelve, I'll be in the pub. Until March.  Happy New Year.

"It's CHRISTMAS" ......said Noddy Holder

Quality. Street.

What better month is there than December to write about all things Crimbo, both Spanish and English? Obviously, and in keeping with British stores and television, had this blog been published in the UK, a Christmas article would first have appeared in about September, probably just before the first tin of Quality Street hit Sainsbury’s shelves. It is quite remarkable how differently two countries, just a two and a bit hour flight apart, celebrate one of the biggest Christian holiday seasons of the year. I’ve lived in Spain for getting on for six years now and feel reasonably well qualified to pass comment on both, so here’s the low down, or my interpretation of it.

Just as with much of Spanish life, Christmas on the Costa Blanca seems to occur with no undue haste; shopkeepers eventually cotton on something important is just around the corner and, in the languid way of things in this part of the world, eventually knock up window displays, attractive lights and understated Christmas trees. By contrast, the celebration of JC’s birthday in the UK seems to be money, money, money with stores, both chains and privateers, treating much of the last third of the year as a cash making opportunity, the religious context largely forgotten.  In this regard then, how refreshing is Spain compared to the money grubbing British example, a cool draft of fresh air perhaps?

FA Cup Final day 1978

Whether you like it or not, the fabled twelve days of Christmas almost always ends up being something nearer the twelve weeks of Christmas on the Stansted side of the North Sea. Wherever you live, and speaking generally, the festive fun doesn’t tend to start in earnest until about ten days or so before the big day. At this point in time English television begins to screen one-off specials and repeats you may not have already seen. Spanish TV remains unchanged from the previous eleven and a bit months. A tad crap actually!!  Once a year though, Spain screens an event that appears to completely transfix the nation, just like FA Cup Final day used to back in the day.

December the 22nd, massive in Spain

The event occurs on December the 22^nd, is broadcast live and once finished three odd hours later, will have made quite a few Spanish families very happy and considerably wealthier. Known hereabouts as “El Gordo” (The Fat One), it’s the biggest lottery draw in the world and is eagerly awaited by everyone. In addition to being the most mind numbingly boring TV you’ll ever see, it is notable too for the fact the winning numbers are sung, religious hymn style, rather than announced. This honour falls to choirs of children from the San Ildefonso primary school in Madrid, itself once a former orphanage. At least the little ones are a big improvement on Dale Winton I suppose.

Look closely, he's there

The nativity features prominently too; proud British parents crane their necks to catch the briefest glimpse of little Johnny or Jane in the school play or slightly out of tune carol concert. The streets of Spain go one better in the meantime with realistic, outdoor models of Bethlehem and the nativity scene, some of which are enormous, on display in town squares for all to walk past and enjoy. Look closely at a typical “Belén” (The Spanish name for Bethlehem), and you might catch sight of an added extra you definitely won’t see in the school production. Many Belén models also feature a little bloke defecating; that’s right, taking a poo!!  Apparently, many residents of the Valencia and Cataluña regions kick up a bit of a stink, pardon the pun, when the “Caganer” isn’t included.

As the big day looms large, factories and offices the length of Britain prepare to close down, quite often until the New Year. By around noon or shortly after on Christmas Eve, UK workforces head to the pub for a quick drink that will invariably last four or five hours and result in one or more errant husbands scurrying to the petrol station round the corner to buy the missus chocolates or perfume because all the shops have long since shut. In point of fact the pub is probably the safest place to be on the 24^th because the city streets will be under siege from teenagers, not yet old enough to drink, armed with silly string and in the big supermarkets it’s like the coming of Armageddon.

Meanwhile, on the same day in Spain, life carries sedately on as before with not even a hint of Roy Wood or Slade to be heard anywhere as extended families gather for an immensely important afternoon and evening “Noche Buena” the highlight of which is a huge feast. After mountains of exotic starters, traditional delights on the menu might include, lomo y naranja, (pork and orange), seafood of all kinds and an Alicante speciality, “turrón” a sweet nougat made from almonds, eggs, sugar and honey. Around midnight, just as drunken young British people stumble home or queue for nightclubs, Spanish families open small gifts, before heading off in large numbers to church to celebrate mass.

Christmas Day in Britain - a tad cold, even for this super-hero

Christmas morning in the UK dawns bright and early, about five am for some unlucky parents, as excitable children tear off gift wrap, studiously ignore the expensively acquired present within and greedily go on to the next. In Spain four or five hours later, a leisurely breakfast is followed by an even more leisurely, shirt sleeved stroll through the municipal park, culminating in another coffee at one of various agreeable cafeterias, often with friends encountered along the way all out doing the same thing. In contrast, anyone foolhardy enough to risk going for a walk in dear old Blighty would be nearly invisible beneath coat, hat, gloves and a scarf because, usually, Christmas Day is the kind of frosty affair even someone as hard as Bear Grylls would find a bit parky.

They're lush, why only once a year?

Those Brits that do venture out, do so secure in the knowledge that a roaring coal fire will greet them on their return and any frost bitten fingers will be functioning as normal well before it’s time to go to the pub when it opens for two hours at twelve o’clock. With the men folk out of the way, Mum and her eldest daughter busy themselves in the kitchen preparing Christmas Dinner. A meal made bigger than any other Sunday lunch of the entire year by the addition of one-off ingredients such as turnips, swedes, and “pigs in blankets” small cocktail sausages wrapped in bacon. Just before tucking in, The Queen broadcasts her message to the nation, a message you know was recorded in June because all the flowers are in full bloom.

Timeless telly

It’s just as well the horses aren’t that popular in Spain, because as Britain settles down to watch a six race card from Kempton Park, the Spanish are hard at work again the day after Christmas because Boxing Day isn’t actually a holiday, (they’ll get their own back early in January). I guess British men consider the King George IV Chase a little present to themselves for sitting through ET or The Wizard of Oz for the umpteenth time the day before. Boxing Day evening wouldn’t be complete without a buffet tea, the highlight of which is the Dundee Cake thoughtfully gifted by Dad’s grateful boss. The whole family then enjoy the blockbuster film on ITV that SKY first aired four years ago. 

Whoops! Sorry little 'un

New Year’s Eve in Britain passes in another drunk, and for the people in London’s Trafalgar Square, wet blur. “Noche Vieja” in Spain is the night for best clothes; an evening of dining and dancing. The Iberian Peninsula then prepares to enjoy “dia de los Reyes Magos” - Three Kings Day on January 6^th. The previous evening, street processions “cabalgatas” precede an early bed for the children, who, before they turn in, leave shoes at the front door in hopeful anticipation of them being filled by yet more gifts from the visiting Kings. Last year, 2010, I tried to liven things up a little by introducing Christmas crackers for my Spanish girlfriend’s nieces and nephew.

Unfortunately, the four year old boy burst into tears at the sound of the explosion. They probably won’t catch on. 

Don't you see the strangest things ?

Until I began to write this blog I didn't really pay much attention to folk, they were just kind of there really and, unless I had to apologise to someone in the street  for whatever reason, I just walked on past without noticing anyone. Sure, once in a while some young hottie and her mate would make me surreptitiously or subtly, (usually neither), turn my head as would a much older and equally attractive lady. In fairness though this is Spain and the mediterranean climate does seem to have a bit of an agreeable effect on the local female citizenry. To dwell on the tidy female thing though is to rather miss my point, which is, you don't need to have your eyes peeled like a banana to clock something or someone really interesting or amusing. I did it on purpose for a couple or three days with this blog in mind and, come the finish, I was really keen to carry on.

Jog on

I was in a pub one Sunday night not so long back and a one legged bloke, (I was going to say walked), came in. Nothing unusual in that I hear you say and you'd be right. Except on closer inspection, this chap, he was quite an old boy, was actually wearing Armani jeans. Seriously, designer clothing on a bloke without a full set of things to stand on. Long Giorgio Silver? You should have seen the quality of his shoe!


Or, the six stone, wringing wet, female pensioner pushing her bulky and heavily overweight son around in a wheelchair, bent forward at the waist trying to shove the thing up one of those slopes used for a car driveway, while he hogged yet another ice cream into his already fat self. Obviously, it's quite normal for Italian, Greek and Spanish ladies to be put upon by their menfolk, but to me, that was taking the piss a bit.

Mum and her starving teenaged Son

I was waiting for a lift in the street outside my front door just this morning and a lady, she looked South American judging by her swarthy skin tones, walked past breast feeding her son. Usually, European women are pretty discreet when it comes to this sort of thing, not so this particular lady. I've no idea if it's the usual form in Lima, Caracas or some backward capital city like Montevideo, or wherever she comes from, to get dangly body parts out in public, but the child attached to her looked about fourteen.

She forgot her green cross code

Crossing the road in Spain is perilous at the best of times, particularly on pedestrian crossings, which, Spanish motorists by and large tend to ignore. Various clear and present dangers meant very little to one batty old lil though, because she simply ignored the universal colour coding of red man/green man and just bimbled over to the other side when she fancied. Oblivious to the avoidable, mortal peril in which she had placed herself she simply carried on, either not hearing or choosing to ignore the most important component of Spanish motor vehicles, the horn! Eventually, hunched over and a good two minutes after she started shuffling herself and her full shopping trolley over the, dangerous at the best of times, two lane thoroughfare she made it to safety.

Truzzies dead popular with groovy Eastern Europeans

Walking to my house after parking the car this afternoon something happened that shattered the myth I had  carefully cultivated in my mind for ages that Spanish men look cool. It only takes one nobber though to ruin it for everyone and today was that day. Surely only someone looking to win a bet or an Albanian trend-setter would hit the streets attired in the combination of cheap looking white training shoes, purple cords and a yellow knitted pullover. I can only imagine, with no earthly reason to don fancy/ridiculous dress, the fashion victim I walked past a short time ago comes from Tirana.


Next time you're out and about give it a whirl, you probably won't need to have your eyes skinned to chance across some entertaining or simply plain daft stuff. Or is that just me?